He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
