remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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