I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize