dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
