you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
