I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
