i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
