Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Randomize
