Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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