We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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