I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
