it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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