i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
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I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
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I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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