tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
