I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
So squirting runs in the family.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
