There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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