Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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