see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
