So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
