3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
