I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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