Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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