tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
