he told me I talked like a deaf person
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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