I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
