I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
