well I can't set my house on fire every night
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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