Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
