her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
