You work out of a Hotel?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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