Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
