I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
