My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
