That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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