i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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