The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
