if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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