Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
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