I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
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