Please, let me fuck your mom
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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