Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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