You did not just play the dead husband card again.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
