Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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