dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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