Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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