duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
