You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
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