so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
They have beer where we have blood.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
