Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
