So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
