2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
there's paper in my vomit.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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