i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
