Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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