What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
