Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
