I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
