all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Randomize
