he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
The best revenge is premature balding
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
