I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
