he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
