I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize