I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Randomize
