I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
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