i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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