I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
